


But I Know

by ChibiPanda



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Bad Lanuage, Deals with the currently global situation fyi, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Insomnia, Ji curses a bit, Language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-26
Updated: 2020-05-26
Packaged: 2021-03-03 06:08:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24379981
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChibiPanda/pseuds/ChibiPanda
Summary: 'It was by no means surprising. The whole world was basically a giant ball of anxiety as the days ticked forward deeper into 2020; the unknown, the fear, the danger, the change. Routines upended – lives upended. Jisung was not alone at all.'Jisung deals with some bad anxiety and Felix proves himself a good friend.
Comments: 12
Kudos: 121





	But I Know

**Author's Note:**

> Wooot another fic!!! I am working on a better schedule!! Anyway, thanks for clicking -- I hope you like it. Have a wonderful week

Jisung was no stranger to anxiety. His bandmates were no strangers to his anxiety. It was a thing that had been a big – though obnoxious and draining – part of his life for years. He knew how to deal with it, how to manage it, how to work around it. His members knew how to help – when to help – and cared enough to do so when necessary. Even if the majority of them had only found out recently.

Chan had, of course, been the first to know. Though not by choice. It was hard to hide sometimes and when you spend days on end with a person – a person like Chan who watched and listened – it was only a matter of time before they’d pick up on something.

Jisung hadn’t been trying to hide it either.

Felix had actually been the second person to find out, and the only reason Jisung confided in Changbin originally. It was ironic – maybe stupid – but Jisung had always been too afraid to tell Changbin about it.

Maybe because Jisung respected him too much. Maybe because that stupid irrational stigma of _failure and weakness_ lingered far closer to Jisung’s heart than he’d care to admit and he was afraid to find out that Changbin held those things close too.

He didn’t.

Jisung’s own personal demons aside, none of the members handled it badly when Chan finally sat everyone down a few days before debut and helped Jisung explain it.

In fact some of them surprised him.

Hyunjin had taken it hard -- not bad, just hard. They had only just overcome their differences and he was devastated to find out something like anxiety was a constant in Jisung’s life.

Regardless, Jisung dealt with it.

Yes, there had been moments – weeks at times. Sometimes so disruptive he even had to take a step back to re-center himself.

But this was something else entirely.

It was by no means surprising. The whole world was basically a giant ball of anxiety as the days ticked forward deeper into 2020; the unknown, the fear, the danger, the change. Routines upended – lives upended. Jisung was not alone at all.

South Korea handled it well. The actual risk for him and his members was low.

But his mind simply did not care.

Jisung didn’t talk about it. They had enough things to worry about – new albums, Japanese debut, even multiple versions of their songs. Plus live streams and secret videos. They really couldn’t handle another Jisung meltdown. He wouldn't make them.

 _‘You didn’t meltdown,’_ Hyunjin had scolded him days before he returned to promoting late last year, _‘Hell, I don’t even think you could call it that obvious. Had we not announced it Sung, I think most people would have simply assumed you had a cold or the flu.’_

It had been a meltdown to Jisung though. He had promised himself when he entered the company that his social anxiety would never affect his ability to perform, and then it did; i.e. meltdown.

Perhaps it was thought spirals like this that were causing his increased levels of insomnia.

They had the next two days off to rest a bit before they really ramped up promotions again. Everyone, except Chan, Felix, and himself, had left the night before to go to their homes.

Jisung was fine at first when Changbin left. His hyung wasn’t going very far, had planned on meeting up with the other 3racha members to do some writing even during the short break, plus he was getting picked up by his dad. No public transportation, no public interaction.

But then Seungmin left to catch a bus.

Jeongin left in a cab.

Minho too.

And then the metaphorical nail in that stupid metaphorical coffin – Hyunjin took a cab to the station where he was taking a train to meet up with his family.

Worse case scenarios started blooming then and had since blossomed horrifically in every corner of Jisung’s struggling mind.

So, now staring at Jeongin empty bunk Jisung was very aware that the neon digital clock read ‘8:37 am’ and that there were about forty seconds until it rolled to ‘8:38 am.’ He had started counting the seconds around two in a desperate attempt to block out the horror stories that kept replaying behind his eyes.

He was being irrational. It wasn’t as though Hyunjin was going to lick a pole at the train station and spread the virus to all his family.

“No.” Jisung muttered shoving his head deep into his blankets, “no. He’ll just fall asleep and his cheek will rest against metal and wake up and wipe everything into his mouth…” he groaned miserably. He wanted his brain to stop. Stop with the what-ifs and focus on the right-nows.

When he pulled his head once again up from the angry mound of blankets the clock read 9:03 and Jisung gave up.

The dorm was still quiet. With only three members currently there it was to be expected, though it did nothing to quell Jisung’s persistent turmoil.

Chan and Felix were asleep still, or at the very least locked away in their comfortable beds resting Jisung hoped. They couldn’t go home like the others. Between the pandemic, the distance, and the timeframe flying to Australia would have been pointless.

Jisung could have. His parents’ home wasn’t too far and though often left unoccupied, as they tended to split their time abroad, they were currently hunkered down in Korea. Except Jisung couldn’t have gone home.

Firstly it would have left his Aussie friends alone. Then there was the less important fact – convincing himself that it was not the primary reason was an ongoing battle – that he did not want to travel at all. To be surrounded by people he didn’t know and couldn’t trust. To be at their mercy in ways he couldn’t imagine; he could actually which was part of the problem. It was bad enough on a normal day, the prospect of being surrounded could easily make his heartbeat so fast it hurt but he could get past it. Psych himself up enough – deal. This was different.

Jisung soon found himself dozing partially on the couch while listening to an international network – he wasn’t focused enough to know what was playing out but he did recognize the English.

The sun had brightened the dorm considerably over the last thirty minutes he’d been sitting there, warming up the room a great deal with it.

“Our Sungie is snuggling in the sun!” Felix’s deep voice carried with it a brightness that eased Jisung’s mind some. The others weren’t insanely obsessed with the current situation – they cared obviously, they paid attention, they followed the rules, but they weren’t letting it surround their every fiber. “You sleep good Sung?”

Jisung allowed himself to shift with Felix’s added weight, falling into his friend’s side and sinking into the added warmth, “If I say ‘no,’ will you threaten to drug me again?”

Felix leaned in further and his low chuckle sent waves through both of them, “No, I’ve given up on threatening – I’ll just do it when you aren’t expecting it.”

Humming in response, Jisung wondered if being dosed with some sleep-inducing concoction would be helpful.

Felix must have head his unspoken musing, “I’d have to research first though. Sometimes those things induce anxiety and might even mess with your meds. That’d go against my intent,” he nodded, pleased with himself, “what was it this time? Too many ideas?”

“You could say that,”

Felix didn’t get a chance to question further. Chan stumbled into the living room blindly, struggling to pull a black sweatshirt over his messy hair, “You are both up? I thought I heard voices but kinda assumed it would be the TV and you guys would still be sleeping,” he said once he finally managed to free himself, “It’s so weird with so few here, huh?”

“You going to the studio today?” Jisung felt himself ask, though he didn’t think he had fully intended to do so.

“Nope. And neither are either of you. Day off means day off,”

“Since when?” Felix practically snorted at the unusual statement, “No one on this team even understands half of that statement.”

“Since management explained the meaning to me yesterday,” Chan joked back, “But seriously, we aren’t supposed to go in or work too hard. Our manager already feels bad that not everyone got to go home.”

“I’m fine with a lazy day. Aren’t you Sungie?”

It took Jisung a few seconds to catch onto the conversation, between lack of sleep and lingering anxiety he was a bit off, “yep.”

Chan gave him a questioning glance, before turning towards the kitchen, “You need to sleep more,”

“Says captain of no sleep himself,” Jisung retorts playfully earning a giggle from Felix.

“Do as I say not as I do,”

“That never works with children Hyung,” Felix responds, managing to dig at both the members effortlessly.

“I’m your hyung, you monster,”

“A single day, oh twin of mine,”

“How did I get stuck with the two crazy children? Why couldn’t I have been left with Jeongin?” Chan practically shouted from the other room.

“Daddy doesn’t love us,” Jisung shouted back dramatically, sending Felix into a fit of laugher.

“NO! STOP THAT NOW!” was Chan’s only response.

Both Felix and Jisung continued to laugh into each other’s sides, relishing the moment together. It wasn’t too often they got to spend true one-on-one time together, and it was a thing they both missed.

The laughter had died down around the time that Chan came back. Despite his supposed annoyance, he smiled warmly at the sight. “Glad to see you both enjoying yourselves. So,” he clapped his hands together for effect, “I have good news and bad news,”

“Is the good news that you are our father?” Felix managed to sound innocent, though his smirk gave him away.

“I certainly hope not,” Chan rolled his eyes, “We are basically out of food. AND, that rice bag in the kitchen…well, I had to throw it out…bugs.” He sighed, “So it looks like I am gonna be heading to the store. Which brings the good news, I plan on getting snacks and dessert – what do my two September twins want me to get?”

“I’ll go with you Hyung,” Felix bounced off the couch cheerfully, “I can help you carry everything.”

Both the Aussies had run off to their rooms before Jisung could find his voice. Somewhere in his sleep-deprived anxious mind a story started to spin – an unrealistic but also plausible situation.

One or both of them bring the virus back – which is fine, the group is healthy and young, they won’t be going anywhere for a few weeks…except for the studio. They were going to meet up with GOT7 soon too…and then what if they spread the virus to them, what if they spread it to Jackson…and then Jackson brings it to his mother.

Jisung couldn’t handle that kind of guilt. He’d be responsible.

Felix had returned, sweatpants replaced with jeans, a bright purple sweatshirt replacing his loose t-shirt, baseball cap on, and mask already covering his nose and mouth. Except Jisung didn’t even notice. He was too caught up in how he’d apologize to Jackson. How could he possibly apologize for something so horrifying?

“Ji?” Felix had pulled the mask down and knelt in front of Jisung quietly, “Sung?” he paused for half a second, weighing his options, “Chris?”

“Yeah?” Chan’s voice was muffled through the walls.

“It’s okay Sungie. Everything is alright, you know that” Felix muttered to Jisung slowly before turning again and yelling, “Come in here.”

“Why?”

“Chris!” Felix turned back to Jisung and tried to make eye contact, “What happened Sungie? What set you off?” he gently took one of Jisung’s curled hands in an attempt to break through, “You gotta talk to us about it Ji Ji,”

“Now wha – Shit, Sungie,” Chan was there immediately, “Have you been feeling anxious all morning?" he questioned recognizing the situation instantly, "And I didn’t even… Hey, ‘Lixie can you go grab his blanket and my bottle of water? Come on Ji you gotta try and calm down.”

Jisung was, slowly, Chan was a calming force – a familiar force – he’d found him the very first time his anxiety got this bad. Or at least this first time it got that bad in public.

“There you go, that’s much better. Just keep focusing on me alright,” Chan had moved to sit beside Jisung slowly, “Your meds not helping today?”

Jisung managed to shake his head and mutter, “no sleep either…” before aggressively wiping his eyes which had teared up towards the end. “Everything is shit Hyung.”

Chan moved slightly to grab the blanket that Felix retrieved to wrap it around Jisung tightly, “That’s not true Sungie.” He said quietly grabbing the water also and allowing Jisung to take a drink, “ _Everything_ is not shit.”

“It is,” Jisung spat back, still shaking – though he couldn’t tell if it was from rage or anxiety; probably both. “I’m gonna get someone fucking killed and then I’ll have to live with that. And I can’t fucking live with that! And what if it is one of you –“

“Jisung, stop!” Felix nearly shouted. He wasn’t following, but the rant was too much, “Just stop…”

Chan managed to shush both of them with a warm sigh, “Sungie, that’s not how this whole situation works and you know it. You do all you can and because of that you are in no way responsible for anything that happens.”

“I know…” He sounds miserable, but Jisung is no longer as frantic as he was moments before, “I do know that…but I can’t stop thinking about it…”

Felix looked up at Chan in confusion, clearly not following, mouthing ‘what?’ silently.

“Sung, us leaving to go to the store caused a spike, didn’t it?”

A nod from Jisung and a silent 'Oh' from Felix.

“And the others being gone, that’s why you couldn’t sleep, huh?”

Another more defeated nod, “I know it’s stupid…”

“No,” Felix maneuvered his way into the cocoon of blankets that Chan had wrapped Jisung in, “I think it’s actually very sweet of you to worry so much. I think it makes you very human and very kind to care that much. So not stupid.” Chan went to add, but Felix continued softly, “You know Sungie, I worry too. I worry about my family and Chan-hyung's and yours and the others'. I worry about our friends and our Stays. I worry about the country. I worry too.”

“Yeah…but you aren’t a fu—”

“Whatever you are about to say is wrong,” Felix effortlessly silenced Jisung with a squeeze.

Chan evaluated the situation and shared a look with Felix, “How about this Ji. I’m gonna run to the store – while you and ‘lixie stay here – I’ll follow all the rules,” He quickly added seeing the signs of distress, “and then we’ll stay in the rest of our break.”

“You can’t stop everything Ji,” Felix whispered, “We’ll get through everything. Think about how far we have already come.”

Chan stood slowly and tousled both Jisung and Felix’s hair kindly before leaving.

Jisung felt another spike of anxiety when the door closed, “I hate this. Why is it so much worse lately?”

Felix didn’t answer, instead, he pulled his phone out from within the blankets and switched on one of Jisung’s favorite shows, “It’s not Ji Ji. The world is just making it feel that way.”

The two sunk back into the couch to wait for Chan.

Jisung’s mind still raced, he doubted it would stop, but Felix was helping.

“We’ll get through this Ji,” Felix whispered again.

**Author's Note:**

> Hopefully, it isn't too bad -- I had some trouble finishing it up. ANYWAY, I have a few other ideas in my head and I hope (fingers crossed) to maintain some kind of consistent schedule even if things are a bit drawn out. I am getting a better grasp of writing at home lol that sounds so obvious but anyway -- 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed it!! Thank you so much for reading <3 <3


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